The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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