I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
