You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
