I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
