it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
