I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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