I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
