my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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