someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
