I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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