Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
