not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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