I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
