He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
