After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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