Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
