matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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