I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
