i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
