either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I pour the whiskey from now on
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
