Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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