Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
