I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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