I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
