ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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