you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
