I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
