your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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