Just fell off a train. Bad.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
