Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
