I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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