I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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