I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
