you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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