I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
