Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
