I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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