Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
