.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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