And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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