when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Randomize
