Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
