I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Randomize
