May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
