hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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