I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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