I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
40s are totally the cure
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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