Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
