I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He has the fingertips of a God
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