i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
