i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dignity is for republicans.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
