between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
