I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
